cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ~ oprah winfrey
bonjour and welcome to 2009! this is our chance to get it right, start anew, and make some changes. the possibilities are endless. a new beginning is offered every day, not just january 1. each morning you are given a fresh canvas on which to paint. you choose the paint colors, the strokes, the pace, and the other players. your life is a constantly evolving work of art. create your new year consciously through reflection, intention, and action.
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Jesus Has Two Daddies
We are a gay family. Well, at least the Dads are. And we are a Christian family. I mean actively Christian: we attend church on Sundays, we teach our children to pray for our meals and before going to sleep, Jos is an elder in the church council and we are both members of the public relations committee of our church community. And boy, did our community know. ‘We have to get out of the closet’, was one of the first things we said in one of our first meetings. I mean, if you’re gay and you’re an active church community member, you usually have to explain one thing and another, at least in a rapidly secularizing country like The Netherlands, that is.
People like to place people in boxes, so they can understand them, know them, or at least have an opinion on them, and ultimately: control them. Sometimes people are unboxable. There isn’t a box for the liberal minded gay Christian multiracial family who combines progressive ideas with traditional value, so sometimes we have to do some explaining. For instance how come we are gay and Christian at the same time? Didn’t The Church spit out homosexuals out of their communities, branding them as sinners? Doesn’t The Church still do? The answer is: yes, and no. Jos and I were both raised in orthodox church communities where homosexuality was considered as something loathsome. Our youth experiences made us lose our faith in church communities. But not our faith in God. Not our faith in his son, Jesus. But those very intimate feelings and convictions became things that lingered somewhere back in our hearts, in our minds. We did not talk about it. What’s the use of sharing if there’s no community that welcomes you?
Things changed about a decade later, when we met our friend Jan, who was a pastor of a liberal open-minded church community. He actively sought the discussion about faith and belief. He gradually gained our confidence and we had to open our eyes to the fact that not all church communities are the same. Not all church communities are hostile towards the LGBT community. We had ‘boxed’ all church communities as places to avoid, places where we are not welcome. And just like with trying to box individuals, that was a mistake. We know that now. And so we explain that to our friends, or anyone who cares to know.
When same sex marriage was legalized in The Netherlands in 2001, Jos and I could finally realize our long cherished dream of getting married. It was a very unusual wedding at the City Hall of our hometown Dordrecht. We both proclaimed our ‘Yes, I do’ twice: once before the country clerk, who played a minor part at the ceremony, and once before the Protestant Church, represented in the person of our friend Jan, who had claimed the bulk of our one hour wedding ceremony. He blessed us as a couple, and he blessed our marriage. And in his preach he reminded of the oppression by The Church of gay people. Wasn’t that a sin? Wasn’t that a waste? With all our friends and family present, including the family members that were still in the orthodox church communities where we had been raised. And everyone was happy for us. People cannot be boxed just like that.
We became active members of the religious community of the Great Church of Dordrecht, that has played such an important part in the Dutch national history. In 2005, we were the first same sex couple in the church’s centuries old history who held their child at the baptismal font. Other same sex couples have entered our church community since, they’ve had their children baptized there, and this year the first same sex marriage was celebrated and blessed in the church. You see, we have a very warm, and friendly church community. We are housed in an impressive old cathedral, but the people are young at heart. They have moved along with time, have seen people being hurt by the church and decided they would do things differently. Sometimes that decision came as late as meeting the first openly gay couple in their church building. Sometimes that was all it took, a gay couple shyly stepping over the threshold of the church, looking for a place to share their religious beliefs, and at the same time proudly demanding respect for who they are.
The Great Church of Dordrecht rises tall, like a dinosaur, from the surrounding medieval houses of the historic town centre. With its sober contours it looks like a big sturdy mastodon though its crooked tower also gives it a vulnerable quality. Strangers wouldn’t say such an old shell would actually house such a warm and friendly church community. ‘We have to get out of the closet,’ we said. Dordrecht is also the scene of our nation’s largest Christmas market. ‘We have to get a stand OUT of the church to show our face to the public,’ we said. A stand we got. We saw many Christmas market visitors passing by our stand, tipsy by the glühwein, and asked ourselves how many of these people still knew what Christmas is actually about? ‘We have to think of a way to tell the Christmas gospel in a way that people are willing to listen to it’, we said. So we came up with the idea of a Christmas Puppet Play, with giant puppets, professional actors and puppeteers, musicians and a classic soprano. Something spectacular, something unique. This year we had the third edition and again we’ve welcomed several thousands of visitors in our church. Mainly people from outside our church community, young and old, Christians and also a lot of people who don’t consider themselves as Christians anymore.
In a quiet moment, I took my daughter Arwen to the church to show her the puppets. ‘You see, there’s the angel, and there’s the donkey, and there’s the ox. And there’s the crib, where baby Jesus will be.’ – ‘Not yet, at Christmas!’ Arwen interrupts me. ‘That’s right, at Christmas. And there’s Mary and Joseph. He’s Jesus’ daddy.’ That night, I bring Arwen to bed, and we say our evening prayer. We thank God for all the wonderful things we have in our life, and we throw him a kisshand. Towards the window. ‘Because God lives in the clouds!’, Arwen says, proud of her knowing that. ‘That’s right. But God also lives in your heart. And God lives in everyone’s heart, because we are all his children. He is the daddy of all people and all animals.”
Also your daddy?
Also my daddy. But also grandpa’s daddy. And also your daddy.
Also Tox’s daddy? (Tox is our dog)
Also Tox’s daddy.
And he’s also baby Jesus’ daddy.
That’s right.
So… daddy… baby Jesus has two daddies!
My daughter’s wisdoms… sometimes I have just one word for it: Amen!
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About: Jarko De Witte van Leeuwen:
Jarko De Witte van Leeuwen was born as Jarko De Witte on April 1, 1970 in Ghent, Belgium. He studied English and Spanish at the Polytechnic School for Translators and Interpreters in Ghent and graduated cum laude at the University of Antwerp, Belgium. In 1989, at age 19 Jarko met his husband Jos van Leeuwen at the Dutch Gay Pride in Haarlem, The Netherlands. In 1991 they moved in together from their parental homes. For that purpose Jarko moved to Jos’s city of birth: Dordrecht, in The Netherlands. In 1993 Jarko started working as a translator and later on communication consultant with Hewitt Associates. In 1995 he gave up his Belgian nationality and became Dutch. In 2001, the year when same sex marriage was legalized in The Netherlands, Jarko and Jos got married on the day they had been together for exactly twelve years. They decide to merge their family names to De Witte van Leeuwen. After returning from their honeymoon, Jarko started working as a communication consultant and public relations officer to the City Board of his hometown Dordrecht. At the same time they start their adoption journey. Jarko is a driven political lobbyist fighting for joint international adoption rights for same sex couples. In 2007 the Dutch Parliament passes the bill to enable this with an overwhelming 90 percent majority. In September 2005, Jos and Jarko adopt their daughter Arwen at age 1 and a half weeks old. Arwen was born in New York City, NY. In February 2008, they adopt their son Wolf, at age 4 weeks. Wolf was born in Philadelphia, PA. Jarko has written several articles and columns on various topics including adoption and gay parenting for various media. He has recently written and illustrated the children’s book, Arwen and her daddies, about the adoption of their daughter Arwen. Several publishers in The Netherlands, the US and the UK have shown interest. Jarko hopes to have his book published in 2009. Meanwhile, he has started working on other titles. Jarko, Jos, Arwen and Wolf happily live together in their wonderful home in a national monument located at one of the inner harbours in the historic town centre of Dordrecht.
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